When I learned Suicide wasn’t the answer
How I realized I am always going to be a work in progress
I remember the day like it was yesterday. I remember sitting up in my bedroom, my suicide note written and the 60 pills I had taken and was just awaiting the aftermath of an overdose to take place. I had never really done anything like this before. But I was at a time in my life that I felt so hopeless, that I didn’t feel there was any other solution. I was broke, broken and broken up on the inside. My future felt bleak, I felt worthless and sadly to say at that time, I hated just everything about myself, Tough? I know.
But after being admitted to the hospital, being baker acted and forced to face my demons there were things that I had learned that I still hold close to this day.
You cant put God on a schedule
I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of! Nothing! Yeah I was nearing 30 and felt, I made a failure of my life and hadn’t accomplished anything. But I hadn’t accomplished anything according to who? Some people don’t blossom till their 40’s or 50’s. Why was I in such a rush? And where was this need to rush coming from?
In life we try to put ourselves on a schedule. We try to schedule out everything, when we should be married, have kids, graduated college by. However, you can’t put God on a schedule! I’m a firm believer that things in life will happen when they’re supposed to happen and sometimes not a second sooner.
I felt at that time, I was behind schedule, and so as a result what was I doing on this earth? Granted there was so much more that brought me to this point of contemplating suicide; but I soon realized, I am exactly where I need to be in divine right timing. And if I have done all that I can, why not just rest in that sentiment alone? It’s great to have goals and to even sometimes be adamant about them. However, it’s also good to be open to changing them along the way and not being so dogmatic about it.
That is why the power of surrender saved me so much in this process. In realizing I couldn’t put God on a schedule, I was able to surrender and let go. Especially, If I had done all I can. I no longer wanted to let things get the best of me. I wanted to release the resistance that I felt was building up in my life and just pay the rest of the world dust, while I made my mental health and my needs a priority.
It made me think about the parts of my life that are surrendered and not put on a “Schedule” how do those areas of my life look like compared to those that aren’t?
Overcompensation is the worst type of currency, you can compensate the world with
-During this whole time frame, my insecurities were at an all time high. I found myself over explaining, overdoing and overcompensating. All of this because of this incessant need within to be liked or to be appreciated or seen. But I realized a bigger question during all this. Did I appreciate myself? Did I see myself? Because I have learned over time, the external world will just mirror back to you where you are at with yourself for the most part.
If there is no peace first within you, you can damn well believe there won’t be peace in anything else around you. You may find yourself triggered or defensive about probably almost everything that happens or is said to you.
That day I was in the hospital just laying in my bed that one morning after a good cry I had. I felt a moment of indifference. A moment where I didn’t give a damn anymore, about how my life looked or how people felt about any of those things. Feeling like I was at my lowest point in life, I felt no one could take me any lower than how I was feeling. And in a sense I found power in that self revelation.
I realized I could only go up from here. No longer was I going to keep feeding the monster of people pleasing, overcompensating and the feelings and thought processes of not being good enough or unworthy. After some time and even extensive therapy, I rebuilt myself, from what feels like from the ground up. I realized as they always say, what you focus on grows, so therefore I decided to focus solely on me.
Taking Responsibility for your life
I remember after leaving the hospital and literally a week or two later we were declared a nation now in a pandemic (This was march 2020), and for months I was going to extensive therapy. And I will never forget something my therapist said that stuck with me. She said to me,
“I noticed when it comes to your sexuality you are very secure when it comes to that topic. I’ve even noticed when it comes to this pandemic we’ve been in, for the past few months you haven’t seemed to express any concern or anxiety regarding that. Why is that? let’s digest that for a second”.
My response was:
“I think its because I kind of made a decision to not let any negative experiences with those effect me. With my sexuality, not everyone will be okay with it, but that’s their business and that has nothing to do with me. As for COVID, after wearing a mask, staying indoors and doing all that I can that’s recommended, what more can I do? I refuse to let those things get up under my skin”.
She let me know if that mentality was taken and applied to almost every area of my life, that it could lead to the possibility of me being a lot more of a well balanced being.
Over time, I became adamant of never letting things get the best of me or allowing external events to determine how I felt about myself. Now don’t get me wrong, no matter how many self-development courses one will take, therapy sessions we attend or spiritual practices we embark on, our self esteem will never be platinum!
So we will still have moments of feeling low, not good enough or immense feelings of regret from time to time. But while we feel those things, we don’t have to allow those feelings to take on a life of its own.
I haven’t shared all that I was dealing with at the time that brought me to attempting suicide, because this is all I feel comfortable sharing at the moment. And it’s also the responsibility I have to myself to not try to exceed my current capacity.
Today where I stand, I stand more confident, and my confidence no longer lies with the world. It lies with me. I no longer put anything on a pedestal, not money, not opportunities not even my problems (And I think were all guilty of that one!) I used have it twisted. I took my question to the world, and gave God my answer. These days, I take my question to God and instead give the world my answer.
Because the answer was never suicide, it was always living!
And I realized God always looks out for me. Those 60 extra strength pills I took, turns out after I took them, I looked back at the bottle and realized, I grabbed the mild strength and not the extra strength one from the pharmacy aisle, like I intended.. Even on that day God was looking out for me.
I hope in some way, this article can give insight to some maybe even inspire, if some can resonate with it.
I’m not a therapist nor do I claim to be. But I am someone with a story who wanted to share it on this platform, with the hopes it may help someone in whatever way that may be.
